Michelle Arellano

I was diagnosed with pre-natal anxiety, just as I was approaching 10 weeks pregnant. That was Just before the Covid pandemic unveiled. 

The Covid crisis made my pregnancy, and pre-natal anxiety, so much worse than it could have been. I didn’t see a midwife for months, and I didn´t have any numbers to call in case something was happening. I effectively had to stop working altogether..

When I finally got to start the CBT, I only got a couple of sessions before I went into labour. I will always wonder if the pre-natal anxiety played a role into my premature labour. It took me something like three months to process what happened next: going into labour alone, as my partner was not allowed in, having a baby in NICU, going back home empty-handed, recover from a C-section and infection, worrying about the weight gain of the baby, not seeing a health visitor (just phone calls). I was a shell of myself. My brain shut down all the emotions and I was on auto-pilot for a while. It was like an out-of-body experience. 

Apart from the CBT, joining new mums groups (online), and retelling my story helped a lot with the processing. Having my feelings and experience validated was refreshing, and hearing from other mums and their struggles, made me feel less alone. Also, with the pandemic and lockdown, a lot of online free things started to emerge. I tried some journaling with prompts posted on social media. But then I joined one of the maternal journal online sessions. Very inspiring. And I’ve continued doing it. It helps me keep my head afloat amidst the chaos of motherhood and the world. 

Journaling and writing is helping me understand my emotions, my body, my mind. Taking some time to myself, when I had my husband and kids in the house 24/7 helped immensely. I needed that break. 

I am not out of the woods yet, and I don’t know if I ever feel like myself again, but I am glad that I was able to access some support. It is very important for new mother to know they are not alone, and that they don´t have to feel miserable. The world is just a click away. 

 Picture of success: what’s bubbling up inside my head